I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
