So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
