I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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