I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
