i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
