i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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