im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
