Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize