So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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