Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
