yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
