Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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