then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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