Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
