Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
