come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
