dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
