and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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