Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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