i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
