i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
