Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
