just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
