so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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