I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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