She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize