Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
