I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
