we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
