I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize