Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
