God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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