i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I can't turn off my feet"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Randomize
