Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
