he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
