it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
