If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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