At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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