My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
