Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
