i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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