sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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