how can u be prego again
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
