All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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