Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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