When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
