Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
