yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
