Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
