i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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