wrigley field is MILF paradise
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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