First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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