I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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