so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
