so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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