Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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