im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
