Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
