I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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