went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
