so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
