the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
