I can tuck mytits in my pants
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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