I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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