You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
