I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
