its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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