i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
